Divorce on the Other Side

 Hi God, are you there? It's me, Jen. Still here. Still struggling. Please help me. Please help me believe with 100% unwavering doubt that things will get better. That I will find my dream job that is everything I ever wanted and then some. That I'll be able to provide for my kids without fear that eventually I won't be able to provide for them because of another job loss. That I can do things on my own and not have the daily overhang of self-doubt and worry. I still haven't been able to find a job. It's going on 3 months now. Luckily, I had savings that I can pull from, but that will not last forever. I only have, at the most, a few more months of that left. I'm scared. I need help. I need all the miracles that you can spare me. I need to get on my own two feet. Help me, please. I'm begging. 

 Tonight I had my first therapy session with my new therapist. She is a local MFT that I found through my health insurance. I think she will be a good fit for me, as she is a good listener and seems to be invested in helping me unwind the web of things I want to work on. Our session tonight was really about discussing what it is that I want to focus on in therapy. I told her since my divorce a year ago, I've really started uncovering a lot of issues in my life and tracing them back to childhood. There is SO. MUCH. TO. DIG. THROUGH. I realized I can't move forward or move on in my life until I figure out the deep-seated issues. So I'm digging in and ready to do the work. I know it is going to be a long road, but I'm ready.  The goal for this week is to figure out who I am and what I like. I'm basically going to date myself for awhile because I don't know who I am or what I even like. So my first therapy 'assignment' is to find a list of 50 questions to as

 Today feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. I received a phone call today that my cell phone number would be released within the next few hours if I didn't switch the account to my plan. 'Released' meaning I would lose the phone number that I've had for the past 20+ years. Not okay. And only a few hours to figure it out? Who does that? So I looked to see what it would cost to transfer my number to my own personal account. $120/month. I know it might not seem like a lot to others, but to a single mom of two kids who just recently was laid off from her job, it's a huge mountain. I've tried so hard to remain positive during these daunting days, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like I'm being punished and I have no idea why. It feels like hit after hit keep coming, and while I fall down and get back up, it's only a matter of time before all of the punches keep you down. Even the greatest fighters of the world can on

 It has been a little over a year since my divorce. I still struggle, and somedays I wake up and forget I'm living what seems to be a nightmare. The nightmare is only because I miss my kids and I have financial worries. Currently, I make $48,000/year. That's all. I barely make ends meet each month. Today I filled my gas tank in my 2014 Honda Accord and it cost $75.00. $75!!!!! I went to the store and bought a few fresh fruit and vegetables - and I paid $40.00. The inflation is currently killing me and I don't know how I will make it much longer unless I get a significant raise. I hate these worries. I feel like they consume me and I have a difficult time being able to think or focus on anything else.  Today I learned that my health insurance will cover 100% of my therapy if I do it via telehealth. This is great news! I also do not have a maximum on the number of sessions, so I can go weekly if I want. I'm so excited to learn this because previously I didn't think my

 You hear the stories, you read the stories, but you never believe the story will happen to you and your children. Until it does. Last night was rough.  A lot of information came out of my son, and confirmed by my daughter, that ripped my heart out and crushed it. It all started on Sunday early evening, about an hour before bedtime, so around 7 pm. I reminded my son that we needed to start getting ready for bed soon. Less than a minute later he said to me, 'I don't want to go to daddy's tomorrow. I wish I could stay with you some more.' My heart sank because we have had these conversations before and I knew the gist of what was going to be said. My children feel like they are invisible to their dad.  My son feels like he is the least liked. In his own words, ' I feel like daddy doesn't even know who I am anymore. The only people who know me are my friends, you, and Alba.' 💔 Both of my kids agreed that my son, Easton, is the 'low man on the totem pole

 Ok, I'm not really moving to Chicago, but I really want to! Ha! I seriously loved every second that I was there. And the really crazy thing is that I've never thought of myself as a city girl. Ever. I always felt more comfortable being in the suburbs, but when I was in Chicago, my sense of adventure came out like never before and I felt alive again for the first time in a very long time. It was such a good feeling to feel something in myself that I forgot existed. I think traveling does this for me - it draws out my adventurous side that I forgot was there. I want to be able to travel again - and connect with this side of me again. I'd also like to take my kids on adventures to places so they can also see what it is like to experience and explore other places.   One of my favorite things we did in Chicago was ride bikes along the lake-front and through parts of the city - so amazing! Just to see the views and take it all in was so inspiring and made me feel SO ALIVE! It