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 It has been a little over a year since my divorce. I still struggle, and somedays I wake up and forget I'm living what seems to be a nightmare. The nightmare is only because I miss my kids and I have financial worries. Currently, I make $48,000/year. That's all. I barely make ends meet each month. Today I filled my gas tank in my 2014 Honda Accord and it cost $75.00. $75!!!!! I went to the store and bought a few fresh fruit and vegetables - and I paid $40.00. The inflation is currently killing me and I don't know how I will make it much longer unless I get a significant raise. I hate these worries. I feel like they consume me and I have a difficult time being able to think or focus on anything else.  Today I learned that my health insurance will cover 100% of my therapy if I do it via telehealth. This is great news! I also do not have a maximum on the number of sessions, so I can go weekly if I want. I'm so excited to learn this because previously I didn't think my

The Worst Part of Divorce

 You hear the stories, you read the stories, but you never believe the story will happen to you and your children. Until it does. Last night was rough.  A lot of information came out of my son, and confirmed by my daughter, that ripped my heart out and crushed it. It all started on Sunday early evening, about an hour before bedtime, so around 7 pm. I reminded my son that we needed to start getting ready for bed soon. Less than a minute later he said to me, 'I don't want to go to daddy's tomorrow. I wish I could stay with you some more.' My heart sank because we have had these conversations before and I knew the gist of what was going to be said. My children feel like they are invisible to their dad.  My son feels like he is the least liked. In his own words, ' I feel like daddy doesn't even know who I am anymore. The only people who know me are my friends, you, and Alba.' 💔 Both of my kids agreed that my son, Easton, is the 'low man on the totem pole

I'm moving to Chicago...

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 Ok, I'm not really moving to Chicago, but I really want to! Ha! I seriously loved every second that I was there. And the really crazy thing is that I've never thought of myself as a city girl. Ever. I always felt more comfortable being in the suburbs, but when I was in Chicago, my sense of adventure came out like never before and I felt alive again for the first time in a very long time. It was such a good feeling to feel something in myself that I forgot existed. I think traveling does this for me - it draws out my adventurous side that I forgot was there. I want to be able to travel again - and connect with this side of me again. I'd also like to take my kids on adventures to places so they can also see what it is like to experience and explore other places.   One of my favorite things we did in Chicago was ride bikes along the lake-front and through parts of the city - so amazing! Just to see the views and take it all in was so inspiring and made me feel SO ALIVE! It

I'm still going to Chicago!

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In the early parts of my divorce, I made plans to go to Chicago with a man I had met in an online singles group, we'll call him J. He seemed like a great guy and I was drawn to his persistence - he pursued me in a way I had never been pursued before. I wasn't looking for anything, and he just showed up all of a sudden one day out of nowhere. He messaged me through FB messenger and our relationship took off. We had so many similarities in our lives - besides divorce, we both struggled with anxiety and depression, we both enjoyed music (mostly the same kinds), we both "got" each other's joking and sarcasm, we both loved to travel, and we just really got along. Not to mention he was handsome too.  Early on, we decided we would go to Chicago to see a band, American Aquarium. This was probably my first mistake, but I was trying to live a "YOLO" life and not think too much about things. So I said "yes" to going. We both booked our own flights to meet

Divorced for 2 months

 Yesterday I went out with two of my friends to dinner and as we were sitting and chatting, one of them asked me how long I have been "officially" divorced, and I had to think about it for a split second, and then I said "two months". And as those words rolled off my tongue and out of my mouth, it felt like I was being simultaneously punched in the gut. The reality of my situation sunk in to my brain a few more inches, which felt painful and sad. I'm not sad about no longer being married to my ex-husband at all - AT ALL. I don't miss HIM. I don't miss anything about HIM. What I miss, is seeing my babies everyday. I miss feeling financially secure (although, that wasn't always consistent). I miss my routine. I miss the expected stuff - the familiarity of everything. I do not like change - in fact, I loathe it. Sounds dramatic, but I'm serious. I do not do well with change - never have, never will. However, I try and put myself in to the throws of

$56.00

 Today as I was walking into my local grocery store, I was stopped in my tracks by a big whitewashed wooden sign with a thin black border that had the most amazing saying on it in thin black letters... "Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it" - Maya Angelou.  Now, there are a few things about this wooden sign - 1. the price. It is $56.00 + tax. And 2. The saying is my life's purpose right now. Let me break it down... 1. $56.00 + tax is not an insanely expensive amount - especially for something that really spoke to me and my core. As I read it, I took a small step back and imagined it in my office - somewhere I could see it, read it daily, and remember the time in my life where everything changed for the better. I would put it above the small (and only) window in the room. But it was $56.00. Plus tax. After seeing that sign in my office, the next thing I saw in my mind was the pure disgust on my husband's face that I had actually purc

All over numb

 Today is one of those days where I'm on the brink of tears, can't eat anything, and am scared shitless out of my mind. I put on a happy face because one of my kid's last day of school was yesterday, so she is home now. She has no clue her life is about to be blown to bits and pieces in a matter of a few more days. I'm trying to make these last few days fun and what days as a 10-year-old should be filled with - giggling, ice cream, sunshine, and bubbles.  Today I can't eat. I'm choking down some yogurt right now, at 1:34 pm in the afternoon, because I haven't eaten anything today. And I know I can't go to the gym on an empty stomach because, knowing my luck, I'd pass out, and how embarrassing would that be - UGH. I'm so sad for my kids, and so angry that their dad is as selfish as he is, and pissed at myself that I, at one point in my life, actually CHOSE this person as a life partner. Insert face-palm emoji here. Man, do I know how to choose the