The Worst Part of Divorce

 You hear the stories, you read the stories, but you never believe the story will happen to you and your children. Until it does. Last night was rough. 

A lot of information came out of my son, and confirmed by my daughter, that ripped my heart out and crushed it. It all started on Sunday early evening, about an hour before bedtime, so around 7 pm. I reminded my son that we needed to start getting ready for bed soon. Less than a minute later he said to me, 'I don't want to go to daddy's tomorrow. I wish I could stay with you some more.' My heart sank because we have had these conversations before and I knew the gist of what was going to be said. My children feel like they are invisible to their dad. 

My son feels like he is the least liked. In his own words, ' I feel like daddy doesn't even know who I am anymore. The only people who know me are my friends, you, and Alba.' 💔 Both of my kids agreed that my son, Easton, is the 'low man on the totem pole' when it comes to their dad. They said the order of importance is like this:

1. Elke, the new girlfriend

2. Charo, the new girlfriend's son

3. Sawyer, the new girlfriend's daughter

4. Alba, my daughter

5. Easton, my son

Easton receives the brunt of my ex's narcissism, which is devastating. As a parent, the love for my children is one of the most important things in my life. Every thing I do is with them in mind. I never thought my ex would treat our children anything less than amazing. Ever. And yet, here we are. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to be able to have full custody of my kids. I don't want them to endure the kind of conditional love and pain they are going through with my ex. They don't deserve it. I feel guilty - like I should have continued to deal with the manipulation, control, lying, deceit - all of it to protect them. 

I dream of a day where I could have full custody of my kids. I'd go broke just to have them full-time so they wouldn't have to endure his rage, cruelty, and narcissism. I'd give anything to have them with me full-time. ANYTHING.

My daughter, while feeling like she is his favorite, also feels invisible to him until he wants something from her. She said he bribes her to do things that he wants. For example, he paid her $30 when they went to Tahoe if she could make sure all of the kids felt included and no one was left out. That is 6 kids for her to feel obligated to please. Another example is when he asked her to paint a picture for his new girlfriend. She said she felt like she had to say 'yes' otherwise he would get mad at her. He spent over $200 in art supplies for her to create this painting on a canvas bigger than my TV. It's disgusting.

I'm heartbroken hearing the stories from my babies. NO ONE deserves to be treated the way he is treating them. And having my hands tied and not being able to do a single thing is the worst feeling as a parent. I want to make it all better for them. I want them to be carefree and have a childhood. My son said he feels like he treats them like 'little adults'. 

I hate feeling like all I can do is sit back and watch it all play out. I comfort my kids as much as I can - I hug them, kiss them, cuddle them, and play with them. I try to give them all they deserve as children, and more, to make up for their dad's awful behavior. It's so unfair.