All over numb

 Today is one of those days where I'm on the brink of tears, can't eat anything, and am scared shitless out of my mind. I put on a happy face because one of my kid's last day of school was yesterday, so she is home now. She has no clue her life is about to be blown to bits and pieces in a matter of a few more days. I'm trying to make these last few days fun and what days as a 10-year-old should be filled with - giggling, ice cream, sunshine, and bubbles. 

Today I can't eat. I'm choking down some yogurt right now, at 1:34 pm in the afternoon, because I haven't eaten anything today. And I know I can't go to the gym on an empty stomach because, knowing my luck, I'd pass out, and how embarrassing would that be - UGH. I'm so sad for my kids, and so angry that their dad is as selfish as he is, and pissed at myself that I, at one point in my life, actually CHOSE this person as a life partner. Insert face-palm emoji here. Man, do I know how to choose them, or what?! After this divorce, I might just decide to be single for life. Or, I'd sign a pre-nup. Not that I have ANYTHING of importance to my name, nor money, but good grief if I ever have to go through this shit again, I might just run away to the ends of the earth and live in a cave. For real. Off the grid might be the life for me. The constant range of emotions and the LONELINESS is killing me s-l-o-w-l-y.  I know I need to just sit with all of it and feel it for what it all is, but gosh it's hard to not want to numb out the pain. Instead, I lean into all of it with exercise, or solitude in meditation. Both have been such a great outlet, I only wish I could squeeze more out of them to better cover the daily pain that seems so unbearable most of the time. Ok, on that note, I'm off to lift the shit out of some weights and run some HIIT to see if I can cause enough pain in my body to actually feel a goddamn thing.